Kind of a personal thought…

One thing I realized during my experience at Girls’ State is that I am not a bad person.  This is a new feeling for me…

Growing up, I was the spoiled brat.  I was selfish and threw a complete fit when I didn’t get my way.  I would cry when I was frustrated, and this quickly earned me a place as a target for bullies.  My family was military, and we moved often enough that I could make the effort to be better at each school.  By seventh grade, I had a firm foundation.  I was still a loner, but not because of others’ dislike of me; it was just a more comfortable place for me.  I had learned by then to listen to others, to be a friend rather than drain my friends.  I stopped crying (publicly), but my stress took a new form as a VCD – my throat would close up.  Still, upon entering high school, I was fairly likeable.  In the past years, I have continued to struggle with my character.  I no longer elaborate or lie, I’m becoming more humble, I no longer judge others (this is a new one)…I’m finding strength within myself.  It’s difficult, for me; it is a constant conscious effort to fight my nature (my childhood).  Sometimes, I would break down and cry because I still worried I wasn’t trying hard enough and still wasn’t good enough…

But, that’s the thing…if I care so much, if I try so hard…then I can’t be that bad of a person, can I?  If I continue to fight, continue to improve…then I can only get better.

Today I looked into the mirror and smiled.  You’re not perfect I told myself but you’re doing alright…

M

My C. gave in and took me to the zoo; it helped me to get my mind off of my stress…

This is a Dikdik – its a really super cute, super small antelope – about as tall as my knees.

And a meerkat

We saw every single animal in the Kansas City Zoo, except for the ostrich (who wasn’t out). 

The Kangaroos actually have no fence; its cool and a bit scary at the same time.  My favorite of course were the lions (I took home a stuffed lion whom I named Simba – yes I know I’m two years old).

Their paws were the size of my head!

A leopard.

meow.

The Red Pandas looked so fuzzy.

Like I said, it really helped my stress.  Not to mention, it was fun to be silly and see all the animals with the same fascination as a small child.  I want to go back…

And for the record, C., no I will never stop posting pictures of you!  I love you way too much.

At least I didn’t put up the one of you dressed up like a power ranger – opps.

I feel much better about myself, my relationship, and my life because of a silly day.  It’s amazing to me…thank you C.

M

Ron Thornburgh, Kansas Secretary of State, recently gave a speech which I attended.  It it, he gave the story of his experience of hosting a seeing-eye dog puppy.  This puppy destroyed “every good stick of furniture a young married couple owned”, but after eighteen months, he absolutely loved this puppy.  At first, he was devastated when the agency called back, wanting this puppy back to train.  Then, Mr Thornburgh attended the puppy graduation, equipped with his camera and best suit and sitting in the front row because “hey, I didn’t have any kids”.  And while this puppy remained in his mind as the lovable monster that turned his living room furniture into splintered ruins, the second that puppy had on his lead and was given to a blind boy, and those two walked across the stage, Mr Thornburgh’s view changed.  That puppy and boy were one; they were a team.  The dog trusted implicitly that the boy would feed him and love him; the boy trusted that the dog would never lead him into danger, would trust him as his eyes.

Later that week, I went to the capital in Topeka to debate bills in the Senate Chambers.  A recess was called and I walked out into the hall and decided to buy a bottle of water from a little stand.  I handed the cashier the bottle, and after a moment realized he was blind.  “What to we have today,” he asked politely, smiling and looking over my shoulder, as if seeing someone else there.  I told him a bottle of water, and gave him a $5 dollar bill.  I then told him it was a $5, and he gave me the correct change.  I sat back and drank some of my water, watching a few other girls from my group and the real Senate President in similar transactions.

The cashier must have more trust than anyone in the capital.  To trust that no one was taking advantage of him, that no one was stealing from him.  Then again, even in a place like the Capital Building, I’m sure it has happened before.  And that money he lost may have came out of his own pocket.  Yet he still works and trusts and is kind…

Mr Thornburgh had concluded his speech with a thought.  Just a small thought that stuck into my mind like an unruly piece of gum under a school desk; growing attached until even the most skilled could not remove it with any force.  “Think of the trust between the man and his dog,” he smiled, “now, imagine if everyone in America had just a shred of that trust.  Imagine what America could accomplish.”  If Americans trusted and relied upon eachother as the cashier relied upon others, trusted in the honesty of their fellow Americans – Mr Thornburgh was right – this would be a truly amazing nation.

Do your part and trust your neighbors.  Trust in their word and good intentions, unless and until they give you any reason not to, or betray your trust.  And you yourself – be a person whom others can trust, can rely on.  Have the integrity to do the right thing, even when nobody is watching.

M

I promise that anything I ask for you to do is not to ruin your fun; it is to protect you. 

I promise that while you may get frustrated when I won’t let you dive in the baby pool or run to the slides, I’m not being mean; I’m doing my job.

I promise that if you listen and follow the rules, I will go out of my way to maximize your fun. 

I promise that if, despite precautions or even due to ignoring posted rules, you are hurt, I will help you. 

I promise that if I am not capable or trained to assist you, I will find someone that is.

I promise that you will be safe…I promise.

Assists to Date: 3

Rescues to Date: 0

Let’s work together to keep those numbers low.

Respect the lifeguards; they just want you to be safe…

M

I found myself in deep conversation with my mum tonight about names for future children.  Family names, pretty names, odd names, traditional names, etc.  I have a few I really like:

• Helena Lucille
• Anne Margaret
• Martin Luther
• Luke Tobias
• Claira Renee
• Danielle Jean

I also like Dixie, Alexandria, Loretta, Jackson, Mark, William, Lee, Jenny

She made fun of me by pointing out my ‘southern roots’.  Hmf.  I think they are all strong names, most of them family names as well.  I could go further back to German, Polish, and Russian roots.  In example I really like the name ‘Nikhil’…but there is also a ‘Raspberry’ in my family tree…yikes!

What are your children’s names, or names you wish to name future children?  Is there a story or meaning behind them?

M

People say imperfections are what make us lovable; I have several.

• I get defensive and jealous
• I skip and sing too often
• I hiccup when I’m cold
• I overload myself and stress
• I don’t forgive easily
• I am headstrong politically
• I get my foot in my mouth more often than President McKinley
• I have a fascination with the Lion King
• I get frustrated when my plans fall apart
• I am a loner and everyone’s second or third banana
• I can never remember how many ‘ana’s are in banana and have to use spell check
• I am way too Southern to live in Kansas
• I defend my friends even when they bad mouth me
• I pretend to be strong yet cry at night
• I’m terrified of living alone
• I can read a Calculus book like most people read Harry Potter
• I lose things and always assume someone took them
• I still sleep with a bear (from my daddy, with BDUs and a dog-tag)
• I’m the daughter of a soldier and a FED – I am VERY pro-American, and get downright angry when people badmouth my country
• I can give a speech or debate flawlessly, but have trouble talking to people
• I am overcritical of people
• I get more excited about school (especially math and history) than anything in my life
• I take everything to heart
• I dream and set goals that even my friends insists I can never achieve, and try my hardest to prove them wrong
• I fall in love and care so much…but fail to express it…

I’m not perfect, I’m not close.  But I hope others can find something good in me; something that’s worth their time and friendship.

M

I start working at the pool on Friday at 3:30, then Sunday? at 3:30.  Next week I start working Monday-Friday (11:00-4:00) Saturday (9:00-4:00) and Sunday (3:30-close) at the pool.  Also working Monday, Tuesday, Friday, Saturday (4:30-8:00) and Sunday (11:00-3:00) at Lakeview.  Ontop of that, I have three books to get through for English, a textbook for Calculus, a textbook for Government, and a class through MIZZU online.  Ugh.  UGH WHAT AM I THINKING?  I’m also signed up for Girl’s State (yay for politics) and CSI course at Bethany College…and I’m spending a few weeks tutoring at The Upper Room in KCMO…

*headdesk headdesk*

I hope I have time off this summer.  I think I’ll change my schedule so I don’t work at Lakeview on the weekends; that will give me some freedom.  That way if I want to have a day off, I can just get a cover for lifeguarding…

Things I want to make time for this summer:

• Worlds Of Fun with Cory
• Road trip to Virginia
• Road trip to Flordia/Rhode Island (where ever my sister is located at that time)
• Trip to Atchison with Keli
• Possibly swim team or ballet classes through Kansas City Ballet
• More time with Cory
• Camping

Ugh.

I need to go study for my history final now.

M

My friend Aileen was paired with me on a blind date; we were both adapting to life in Kansas after Virginia, and my neighbor knew her neighbor, and suggested we meet.  So Aileen was carted by her parents to one of my basketball games in the sixth grade.  Is that her I imagine her asking, disappointed with the goggle-glasses who can’t even make a basket?  We later went on a pizza date and had a sleepover.  Needless to say, we became best friends.

One night as we laid on my bed (the overhead light glaring down upon us; Aileen was afraid of the dark) I began whispering my nightly prayers.  She heard me and asked what I was doing.  Praying I told her.  She was confused and asked me to pray louder.  This continued every time I saw her; pray she would ask me, and I did.  Finally, Aileen caught on that some prayers were personally mine, such as prayers of intercession, while others, like the Hail Mary, were repeated.  She began to pray with me; stumbling over the difficult phrases until I corrected her.  I later taught her the Our Father, Guardian Angel, Chaplet of Divine Mercy, Glory Be, Apostles’ Creed, and Act of Contrition.  Now, she prays more than I do.  Within the past few years, she has been working towards becoming baptized.

Recently, she spoke with me about it.  She hugged me and told me two words.

Thank you.

M

I ran across a book report a group of my friends and I produced in 8th grade.  No script, no real plot, Steve’s dog randomly killed a bunny during filming…but we did land an A!    I’m in the blue.

A few months back, C. knelt down and held out two velvet boxes.  Pick one he whispered.  I pointed to the smaller, gray box and was rewarded with a beautiful ring; gold, with three diamond hearts.  It was his grandmother’s, yet fit perfectly.  Since then, I had thought seldom of the second box. 

Next Friday is C. and my anniversary; part of me knew I would be presented with the second gift.

But, C. decided to surprise me a week early.

We sat on the swing, under the deck; his arms around me and my head tucked underneath his chin.  I could sense his smile, and soon he gave me the necklace.  It matches the ring perfectly; a delicate gold heart with three stones, curved and threaded through a chain…

I feel very special right now.  Very loved and very spoiled….

I told him that.  He only chuckled and insisted I wasn’t spoiled, not yet, anyway…he then kissed my cheek and resumed holding me.  My May…I love my May…

M

“For here you are, standing there, loving me
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good”  -The Sound of Music