Sorry if I rambled a bit...I'm really upset about this...I have no way to cope with this anymore.

May

After months of fighting with thoughts of suicide, with regular crying for "no reason", with loneliness and an eating disorder...I finally asked for help.

Apparently I'm not "over" being attacked.  In the USA, if you aren't "over" a trauma within two months, you are "clinically depressed".  If your mom dies, if you are raped, if you are left for dead on a train track, and you can't be perfectly happy within two months - something is wrong with you.

But the truth is, when you go through something so traumatic, it changes you.  Your view of the world, of yourself, are altered...forever, it seems.

I am not pretty.

I am not safe.

It is my fault for putting myself in the situation.

I ruined my own life.

I am supposed to be dead.

I'm not the person I was a year ago.  I don't know what I am anymore.  All I know is that I need help to work through this.

Everyone blamed me.  My host family, my siblings, the doctors, the program directors.  I went from being loved to being spurned overnight.  The second they found alcohol in my blood, they didn't test for the date rape drug.  Oh, you were drinking, they said.  So you probably just fell.  No, I was attacked.  Don't you see the bruises?  Inconclusive.  You were drinking, the friends you chose to go out with abandoned you - so it's your fault.  What a disgrace you are.  Someone tried to kill me as a hate crime, why don't you care?  The fact of the matter is, you put yourself in that situation through your own choices.  I was waiting for a train to take me home, just like millions of people everyday - I'm sorry, but the fact is, you did this to yourself.  Do you realize, you should be dead?  As it is, you are disfigured and it will cost your family thousands in medical bills, don't you feel guilty for all the pain you've caused other people?

Why is it easier to blame the victim that to accept that bad things happen to good people everyday - is it because you are so afraid that, if things like these are random, it could happen to you?  Does it make it easier to insist, oh no, that girl did it to herself?

I am not pretty.

I am not safe.

It is my fault for putting myself in this situation.

I ruined my own life.

I am supposed to be dead.

Help me.

May