For those who have been with me through it all, I thank you.

Last week I had two surgeries.  I now have plastic teeth screwed in.  I look normal, I eat normally, I can even brush my teeth normally.  It’s been a lot of pain (and puking due to hydrocodone) but I’ve made it.  I finally feel like a person again.  After the porcelain ones are installed over Christmas, my 2 and a half year surgery saga will be behind me.

Josh and I have agreed we are better as friends, at least for now.  I hope his very loving parents accept this and I can continue to be a part of his family (my surrogate since moving from home).  We are still best friends, but in the end, my heart has pulled be back to Adam.  He knows about my cheating and abandonment, but he is still willing to work things through.  I’m very excited for our future, and I hope that we can build a stronger relationship, as equal partners rather than a caregiver and a child.  Sometimes you have to lose the one you truly love in order to appreciate him, right?  I’m ready to commit to him.  I’ve learned from my mistake.

I’m sad xanga is closing when it is.  Adam has already spoken to my father about asking for my hand within the year, and I’d love nothing more than to share that with you all.

I have set up an account at wordpress under the same name.  Feel free to add me, though I haven’t blogged there yet.  I’ve donated and waited out xanga’s death, but I think it’s time we all move on.

One last note – yesterday was my 21st birthday.  In memorandum, here’s to you xanga!

Thanks for the prayers and support, throughout the years.

Yours

Maggie May

Hey guys.

Had my last surgery this morning. I finally get teeth screwed in Thursday. It’s so close to finally being over. I want a normal life back.

Thanks to everyone who has supported me the whole way.

Right now I’m laying on the couch, getting my feet rubbed by Josh and watching TV. I’ve been asleep most of the day, with him by my side and my mom a few feet away. My mom has struggled to be supportive through it all. I don’t think she will ever appreciate how hard this whole process has been on me. Then again, I can’t imagine it is any easier watching your child go through it.

I’m a better person because of it. But I will be so thankful to have it all behind me.

Stay strong, everyone. God never gives us more than we can handle, and even the darkest times in life eventually pass.

May

…and it’s the first time in years I don’t have a summer job.  I tried for a few internships, and I didn’t want to go back to Kansas City and lifeguard…so I ended up staying in Colorado.  It’s been great – my days have mostly been with Josh.  We go hiking in the awesome (true meaning of the word) mountains by the house, or sit and read by the river.  I’ve also been better about going to the gym, and my confidence is going back up.  While a lot of people might consider this a waste of time, it’s really just been a much needed recharge time.  I didn’t realize how burnt out I was until field session was over and I could actually relax for the first time.  I’ll be spending several weeks this summer finishing up surgeries and recovering, so it’s not all a walk in the park (darn).

I’m leaving Friday to go to San Diego with my mother.  She’s even more burnt out than me, and decided a long weekend retreat with her daughter would help.  I really feel bad for my mom sometimes.  She worked her way through night-school when she was my age, got hired on by the Federal Government, and hasn’t stopped working since.  She tried to retire when I entered high school, to start her own business repping local artists.  Then the economy totally crashed…she and my dad began working a low-paying hourly job counting widgets at a factory just to make ends meet.  Right as I was entering college, the Treasury Department hired her as an investigator.  It has been a rough job that requires constant travel, some dangerous situations (and physically demanding tactical training), and honestly I’m surprised my mom is sticking with it.  I received a nice scholarship from my university for my ACT scores, but everything else is being paid for by her.  I’m not eligible for student loans, and the school I attend is too demanding for a side job.  The expenses I face would hardly be scratched working 20-40 hours a week…and my GPA would fall below my scholarship requirements…

I really appreciate all that my mother is doing for me, but it also breaks my heart.  She’s in her late fifties, and the job is wearing her down.  I’m glad she’s taking a few days off to recharge, and I’ll do my best to take care of everything for her.  I’m also returning home after San Diego for a few days to be with my parents.  She really misses me, and I know it would help her if I cleaned up the house and took care of some minor repairs for her.

I don’t know what’s going on with Josh and Adam.  My mom keeps reminding me I need to choose.  At least I have until the end of summer.

Adam always took care of me, better than any man ever could.  He completely adores me, shelters me, loves me.  But he’s always struggled to show passion for me, which I crave.  Josh, on the other hand, is extremely passionate for me.  He’s not as mature as Adam (who is a completely mellow, old soul) but he’s also more fun-loving and understanding.  He hasn’t learned every way to take care of me yet – but he sees me as an equal partner, and isn’t afraid to ask me for help as well.  We fight sometimes, which Adam and I never did…but it always ends well and I think it’s healthy.  They both have a deep faith, and would both commit fully to me the moment I was ready.  I completely loathe Adam’s father, who is abusive, and have a hard time dealing with his family.  That said, he is nothing like the man, and if anything he has learned from his parents’ mistakes.  Josh’s family is completely open and loving, if not somewhat naieve.  No drinking, no fighting, no dirty words…that kind of family.  Josh shares that innocence.  We’ve spent a lot of time with his family, who joke about “adopting me”, and I love it. 

It’s a hard choice.

What do you guys think?

Sorry for the long post.  I am not really bonding with any of the blog sites I’ve tried, so if you want to keep in touch with me, you’re welcome to add me on facebook or skype (message me).

Yours

May

I’m a helluva engineer!

I’ve spent my summer so far in field session.  The first week was for MSHA certification – required training to work in a mine.  I’m now certified for underground, surface, coal, and metal/nonmetal. 

Yes, the classes were exactly as exciting as you’d think.

After that I worked extensively with Mine Sight, which is some weird 4-tran and CAD cross…  It’s used for project planning, which is a very necessary step for mining but isn’t hands-on enough for me.

Finally I got to work in the actual mine, scaling (knocking down loose rock) and surveying.  It’s really difficult to survey underground for 8-10 hours a day – the darkness and the radical shifts in back height mean setting up and shooting takes nearly twice as long as on the surface.  Plus the huge variants in temperature and pressure are pretty uncomfortable.  That said, I did a pretty damn good job.  After a few all nighters, the surveys were submitted with little error.

CONFESSION:  I was talking to one of the guys I live with, that I’m not sure I still want to be an engineer.  Considering I’m half-way through the degree, though, I want to finish it.  I figure a mining engineering bachelors from one of the top national schools is a good foundation for any graduate school.  For that matter, I am good at what I do, and if I get a job with the right company, I wouldn’t mind doing it.  But eventually I’d like to go back to school for German – maybe I could be a translator for international engineering firms?  We’ll see.

I still have my whole life ahead of me, right?

Right now, I’m trying to have some fun.  And I’m succeeding.

May

The night of June 1st serves as a wake up call.

It helps me release my daily frustrations, forgive my bullies, and just be grateful.

To be here.

As almost all of you know, two years ago today I woke up in a hospital.  Two strangers found me on the train tracks.  My upper jaw had collapsed inward.  The doctors were convinced I had brain trauma.  Worst of all, no one found it worth investigating who had done this to me.  The moment they discovered a trace of alcohol in my system, I was to blame for what had happened.  Rather than keep my very worried parents informed, my host parents spurred all of their energies into trying to convince them I had done this to myself, that I had been drinking, that I deserved it.  They pounded the same message into me when they visited me at the hospital, and tried to convince my program to kick me out.  It was not a reassuring thing to wake up to.  The lack of support following my attack is what hurt me the most, leading to an eating disorder and a full break-down less than a year later.

Two years later, that night does not haunt me anymore.  It serves only as a reminder that God saved my life for a reason.  It gives me a chance to reevaluate my current situation, and to check my priorities.

This morning I cut off the Rheinkultur bracelet I had worn since my first day in Germany.  It is finally time to leave that chapter behind me.

In a few hours, I am going to a Rockies game with Josh’s family.  It’s wonderful to have a family so graciously absorb me and include me like a daughter.  Josh’s mother has begun to confide in me, telling me recently of her losing battle with depression.  For her birthday a few days ago, I gave her the book which had been given to me in the hospital, The Brightest Star in the Sky.  That small gesture had given me hope and distraction in my darkest time, and I know it meant a lot to her.

After the Rockies game, I’m going to one of the best restaurants in town with my mom, who is in town on a case.  As a result of the accident, my downward spiral, and eventual recovery, my mother and I are closer than ever.  In high school I had to see a counselor because I wasn’t on speaking terms with my mother; today I consider her my closest friend.

I love all of you, and appreciate all of your support over the years.

May

May, it’s going to be okay.  You can never lose me, remember?

Adam places my hand in his.

You see there’s a little string.  It runs right from my heart, and is wrapped around this little finger.

He traces an invisible line from his chest to my hand, tying an imaginary knot around my pinky.

Now May, this is a very special string.  It knows no distance, and it knows no time.  It cannot be frayed or broken.  As long as you hold onto that little string, you have me.  Just give it a little tug, and I’ll come running. 

I know you want space right now.  Just don’t forget to hold on.

I love you, May.

• I moved into Adam’s fraternity house.  Things with the roommate (which have been mentioned in previous posts) were getting bad.  It escalated from passive aggressive (moving all the communal furniture into his room, slamming doors) to verbal abuse (screaming at me non-stop the moment I entered the apartment, calling me a whore, trying to convince Adam I was cheating) to violent (grabbing my wrist, chasing me when I tried to run).  Living here hasn’t been good, to be honest, but at least I’m safe.  I’m on a lease until August 1st, when I’ll either move in with two girls, or find my own place.
• Adam and I struggled this past semester, and finally agreed to take a break.  He’s convinced we will get back together, and is maintaining contact.  I honestly don’t think he will be ok if we don’t get back together.
• I’m torn between Adam and Josh, who I grew closer to.  Right now I’m not in a committed relationship with either, and I’m not looking forward to making the decision.
• Adam and I realized our relationship started going downhill last summer.  He was unable to really be there for me, to show me affection or be emotionally supportive.  So I looked elsewhere for it – innocently enough.  Then it snowballed – he wouldn’t show me affection because he was convinced I was getting it somewhere else, and I didn’t go to him for affection because he was too bitter to give it.  I’m not proud of it, I’m not happy with it, but I’m glad we’ve finally figured out what went wrong.
• I’m staying in Colorado over the summer.  My internship with a coal company didn’t work out, so I’m not sure what I’ll do once my summer class is over.  Honestly, I’d like to just enjoy the time to visit friends and family, and to figure myself out.
• Adam has been gone the past 10 days for a class, and he’s leaving in the morning to go back to Texas for the rest of the summer.  His family still doesn’t know we are on a break.  Last night when we talked everything through was the best communication we’ve had in a year.  Spending today with him downtown was the most fun we’ve had since November.
• I did fairly well grade-wise, with a 3.03 (for engineering, that’s good, I promise).  I did have to drop one class do to the drama with the roommate.
• I gained some weight and lost a lot of self-confidence.  It’s funny to look back at pictures of me a year ago, when I was caught up in the worst of my eating disorder.  I’m only ten or so pounds heavier now, actually about the same weight I was in high school.  I think my lack of control in the other aspects of my life, especially with Adam, are causing me to focus back on my body.

I don’t know what I want in life, anymore.  I don’t know if I really like me, anymore.  I’m just trying to take it day by day..

Just so we are clear, I have not, nor do I plan on, cheating on Adam. Especially with his fraternity brother.

That said, I am very close friends with him, and we both realized today that maybe we were getting too close emotionally. We agreed to figure out specific barriers, and spend less time around each other. I really do love Adam, but I’m worried when he tends to shove me off on his frat brother when he doesn’t have time for me. I agree with all of you that I need to focus on Adam and figure out how to get that closeness back. I miss him.

If anyone has nonjudgemental advice I’d love to hear it. I’m really trying to do the right thing, and I hope this is just a stupid phase.

May

Surgery 4/5

Surgery 1 (June 2011) – removal of bone shards from upper jaw and nasal cavity

Surgery 2 (August 2011) – bone graft

Surgery 3 (March 2012) – second bone shard removal, second tooth removal, second bone graft

Surgery 4 (December 2012) – implantation of the screws into the upper jaw

Surgery 5 (March? 2013) – placement of new ‘teeth’

Seriously can’t I just be done with it all and have my life back again?

I spoke with my mom in the car today, trying to explain to her why I’m struggling.

Everyone just expects me to “get over” the horrific event that occurred on the night of June 1, 2011.  They don’t understand why I can’t just laugh it off, why I still refuse to talk about the incident, why I’m still in counseling for PTSD.  Why I never feel safe walking alone.  Why sometimes, burrowed in my covers, I silently ask God why I wasn’t just run over by a train.

But as you can see, this is still a painfully real part of my life.  And honestly, I think I’m healing from it the best that I can.  I hope once all the surgery is over, and I no longer face a constant reminder of the trauma when I look in the mirror, I hope that then I will be able to move on.

Thank you all for your support.  Especially those that have been with me for every step of my journey.

I’m not giving up.  Just growing stronger.

May

Because I feel like all my posts have been uber depressing lately, I thought I’d share something nice.

I was elected Sigma Phi Epsilon Sweetheart at formal.

Formal was, first off, a super nice weekend hosted at a cabin in Breckenridge.  Friday was a “wild and crazy” party, Saturday was a lot of group bonding and exploring – followed by a formal dinner, hot tubbing, and more partying – and Sunday was just a great one-on-one day with Adam.

I always make an effort to bake treats for Adam’s fraternity.  I also participate in all the events I can, and help with recruitment.  Apparently, it hasn’t gone unnoticed.  Sig Ep can only honor one girl a year, and I felt so special that all my friends picked me.

At the formal dinner, they called me forward.  Adam read a speech and pinned me.  Then, all his brothers dropped to their knees and sang to me (super embarrassing!).  I then got a rose from each of them.

It’s nice that I can wear the “letters” around campus and at their events.  I can also go to every event, despite the fact I don’t belong to their sister sorority (this was a huge issue previously, since Adam is required to attend events).  I also now get free, unlimited meals from their Chef (who loved me anyway).

^ downtown with good friend, Josh

Really, it just felt amazing to be recognized by my friends.  To feel special for a brief moment.

I know it’s silly, but it made me happy, and I wanted to share it.

May

Of all the years of college years
There’s one that I’ve loved long
For me she wears a golden heart
For her I sing this song

My Sigma Phi Epsilon sweetheart
Wonderful SigEp girl
True as the heart that you’re wearing
You set my heart in a whirl

^ Adam on the left