On top of everything else, things with my roommate have boiled over.

I no longer feel comfortable in my own home.

God it’s like being back in Germany.

 

He goes through severe mood swings – between “loving” me to the point he tries to guilt trip me for not giving him enough attention, ie. I’m studying and he shoves his hands in my face, and telling me he wouldn’t care if I died.  It’s unnerving.

However, he usually bounces back quickly.

Not this time.

 

Because of how stressed I am, I asked him to do one little thing for me – clean the sink and the toilet in the bathroom.  It takes all of ten minutes.  Throughout the day, while he was playing videogames, or Magic, or sleeping, I innocently reminded him that he promised to do it today.  At nine PM, when I was fretting over how to quit dance team, I gave in and cleaned the bathroom just for something to do.

I got home from dance team, my eyes puffy from crying, to have him there, angry.

“You know I would have done it.  You don’t trust me”

“I gave you all day to do it, and you didn’t, so I went ahead and did it”

“I would have done it!”

“You say that about a lot of things, yet I still do your dishes and clean up after you.  And it’s not fair.  You have time to play games and be lazy, I don’t.  I’m in the honors program, I’m on dance team.  Can’t you help me out a little bit?  Don’t you care how stressed out I am?”

“No, I don’t.  Other people have fucking stress too, you know”

Door SLAM in my face.  I tried talking to him again, begging him to be adult about it.  But he was mad.  He stormed out.

 

He didn’t come back.

 

I texted his mom this morning asking for advice.  She said he’s an adult (HA) and she can’t do anything.  He found out that I had talked to her, and was livid.  He texted me viciously, claiming I was manipulative, that I was an ass, that I was an awful person – that he would never speak to me again.  It escalated.

 

During a class we have together, I went to him, asking if we could talk about this.  He said no – how could he speak to me if he was to disgusted too look at me?  He added it might be weeks before he would so much as give me the time of day.  I went out into the hall, leaned against the wall, and started to cry.

 

I’m crying because I feel like I’m stuck in an abusive relationship with my roommate.

Because we signed a year lease.

And there’s no way out of it.

And I’m unwelcome in my own home.

 

All I hear from him are slamming doors.

I tried to put it into words for my counselor

It feels like I’m stranded in the sea in the middle of a storm.  No matter how hard I kick to keep my head above water, waves ten times my size crash down.

The waves are mainly school.  The Physics II test was a 34%.  Statics, 77%.  Calculus III, I’m not sure yet, but I’m guessing a high C.  I need a 3.0 to stay in the honors program – which in itself is so much work I almost never have it done on time.  Another Physics test is approaching quickly.  I’m desperate – I am getting tutoring now, trying to stay ontop of the homework – because if this next round of tests doesn’t improve, I don’t know what I will do.

Other waves come from dance team.  The captain feels the need to turn our amazing team into a “poms” team, AKA “wanna be cheerleaders”.  Gag me.  Practices are three times a week for over two hours.  Last weekend was homecoming – we were practicing on the field at 8 AM, in the parade at 10 AM, and on the field for the game from 11:30-4:00.  Not only do we dance at halftime (which is all we were ever supposed to do), but we have to stand there with the cheerleaders with cheap costumes and poms the entire game, doing cheers with them, kicklines, the fight song, etc.  It’s draining, and not at all what I signed up for.  On top of that, the captain only cares about showcasing herself and her sorority sisters – I’m a damn good dancer, and I told her flat out that I’m sick of being shoved in the back to make room for girls who have 0 experience.  The team is super demanding, and I’m not seeing the reward in it anymore.

The worst waves are personal attacks that remind me of bullying in grade school.  Adam’s fraternity, despite all of my efforts to be a part of their activities, to bake goods for them regularly, to form decent friendships…banned me from helping with their homecoming float – which meant a lot to Adam.  It was a slap in the face.  I was also told not to come to the after party – both events Adam was required to attend.  Adam fought them on it, but they insisted that the sorority girls didn’t feel comfortable with “outside girls” there.  Apparently being a Sigma Kappa matters more than a year-long commitment to one of the fraternity’s members.  God I was livid.  The best part is a large portion of dance team ARE Sigma Kappas.  So it was a double hit.

I have made a huge effort to stay positive.  I have a new friend, Mel, that I’ve been pretty inseparable from for a while now.  The only issue is she has an active eating disorder, and I have to really stay strong to not fall into that habit.  I am also bonding with a girl from dance team, which makes it bearable.  I spent the evening after homecoming with Adam, my best friend and his girlfriend, at a fireworks display, and then a low-key party at his house.  I am trying so hard.

But I’m afraid I’ll be thrown back down.

 

I just want a chance to breathe.

 

May

 

^ my bestie from dance team and me (right) ^