…and it’s the first time in years I don’t have a summer job.  I tried for a few internships, and I didn’t want to go back to Kansas City and lifeguard…so I ended up staying in Colorado.  It’s been great – my days have mostly been with Josh.  We go hiking in the awesome (true meaning of the word) mountains by the house, or sit and read by the river.  I’ve also been better about going to the gym, and my confidence is going back up.  While a lot of people might consider this a waste of time, it’s really just been a much needed recharge time.  I didn’t realize how burnt out I was until field session was over and I could actually relax for the first time.  I’ll be spending several weeks this summer finishing up surgeries and recovering, so it’s not all a walk in the park (darn).

I’m leaving Friday to go to San Diego with my mother.  She’s even more burnt out than me, and decided a long weekend retreat with her daughter would help.  I really feel bad for my mom sometimes.  She worked her way through night-school when she was my age, got hired on by the Federal Government, and hasn’t stopped working since.  She tried to retire when I entered high school, to start her own business repping local artists.  Then the economy totally crashed…she and my dad began working a low-paying hourly job counting widgets at a factory just to make ends meet.  Right as I was entering college, the Treasury Department hired her as an investigator.  It has been a rough job that requires constant travel, some dangerous situations (and physically demanding tactical training), and honestly I’m surprised my mom is sticking with it.  I received a nice scholarship from my university for my ACT scores, but everything else is being paid for by her.  I’m not eligible for student loans, and the school I attend is too demanding for a side job.  The expenses I face would hardly be scratched working 20-40 hours a week…and my GPA would fall below my scholarship requirements…

I really appreciate all that my mother is doing for me, but it also breaks my heart.  She’s in her late fifties, and the job is wearing her down.  I’m glad she’s taking a few days off to recharge, and I’ll do my best to take care of everything for her.  I’m also returning home after San Diego for a few days to be with my parents.  She really misses me, and I know it would help her if I cleaned up the house and took care of some minor repairs for her.

I don’t know what’s going on with Josh and Adam.  My mom keeps reminding me I need to choose.  At least I have until the end of summer.

Adam always took care of me, better than any man ever could.  He completely adores me, shelters me, loves me.  But he’s always struggled to show passion for me, which I crave.  Josh, on the other hand, is extremely passionate for me.  He’s not as mature as Adam (who is a completely mellow, old soul) but he’s also more fun-loving and understanding.  He hasn’t learned every way to take care of me yet – but he sees me as an equal partner, and isn’t afraid to ask me for help as well.  We fight sometimes, which Adam and I never did…but it always ends well and I think it’s healthy.  They both have a deep faith, and would both commit fully to me the moment I was ready.  I completely loathe Adam’s father, who is abusive, and have a hard time dealing with his family.  That said, he is nothing like the man, and if anything he has learned from his parents’ mistakes.  Josh’s family is completely open and loving, if not somewhat naieve.  No drinking, no fighting, no dirty words…that kind of family.  Josh shares that innocence.  We’ve spent a lot of time with his family, who joke about “adopting me”, and I love it. 

It’s a hard choice.

What do you guys think?

Sorry for the long post.  I am not really bonding with any of the blog sites I’ve tried, so if you want to keep in touch with me, you’re welcome to add me on facebook or skype (message me).

Yours

May

I’m a helluva engineer!

I’ve spent my summer so far in field session.  The first week was for MSHA certification – required training to work in a mine.  I’m now certified for underground, surface, coal, and metal/nonmetal. 

Yes, the classes were exactly as exciting as you’d think.

After that I worked extensively with Mine Sight, which is some weird 4-tran and CAD cross…  It’s used for project planning, which is a very necessary step for mining but isn’t hands-on enough for me.

Finally I got to work in the actual mine, scaling (knocking down loose rock) and surveying.  It’s really difficult to survey underground for 8-10 hours a day – the darkness and the radical shifts in back height mean setting up and shooting takes nearly twice as long as on the surface.  Plus the huge variants in temperature and pressure are pretty uncomfortable.  That said, I did a pretty damn good job.  After a few all nighters, the surveys were submitted with little error.

CONFESSION:  I was talking to one of the guys I live with, that I’m not sure I still want to be an engineer.  Considering I’m half-way through the degree, though, I want to finish it.  I figure a mining engineering bachelors from one of the top national schools is a good foundation for any graduate school.  For that matter, I am good at what I do, and if I get a job with the right company, I wouldn’t mind doing it.  But eventually I’d like to go back to school for German – maybe I could be a translator for international engineering firms?  We’ll see.

I still have my whole life ahead of me, right?

Right now, I’m trying to have some fun.  And I’m succeeding.

May

The night of June 1st serves as a wake up call.

It helps me release my daily frustrations, forgive my bullies, and just be grateful.

To be here.

As almost all of you know, two years ago today I woke up in a hospital.  Two strangers found me on the train tracks.  My upper jaw had collapsed inward.  The doctors were convinced I had brain trauma.  Worst of all, no one found it worth investigating who had done this to me.  The moment they discovered a trace of alcohol in my system, I was to blame for what had happened.  Rather than keep my very worried parents informed, my host parents spurred all of their energies into trying to convince them I had done this to myself, that I had been drinking, that I deserved it.  They pounded the same message into me when they visited me at the hospital, and tried to convince my program to kick me out.  It was not a reassuring thing to wake up to.  The lack of support following my attack is what hurt me the most, leading to an eating disorder and a full break-down less than a year later.

Two years later, that night does not haunt me anymore.  It serves only as a reminder that God saved my life for a reason.  It gives me a chance to reevaluate my current situation, and to check my priorities.

This morning I cut off the Rheinkultur bracelet I had worn since my first day in Germany.  It is finally time to leave that chapter behind me.

In a few hours, I am going to a Rockies game with Josh’s family.  It’s wonderful to have a family so graciously absorb me and include me like a daughter.  Josh’s mother has begun to confide in me, telling me recently of her losing battle with depression.  For her birthday a few days ago, I gave her the book which had been given to me in the hospital, The Brightest Star in the Sky.  That small gesture had given me hope and distraction in my darkest time, and I know it meant a lot to her.

After the Rockies game, I’m going to one of the best restaurants in town with my mom, who is in town on a case.  As a result of the accident, my downward spiral, and eventual recovery, my mother and I are closer than ever.  In high school I had to see a counselor because I wasn’t on speaking terms with my mother; today I consider her my closest friend.

I love all of you, and appreciate all of your support over the years.

May