May

After months of fighting with thoughts of suicide, with regular crying for “no reason”, with loneliness and an eating disorder…I finally asked for help.

Apparently I’m not “over” being attacked.  In the USA, if you aren’t “over” a trauma within two months, you are “clinically depressed”.  If your mom dies, if you are raped, if you are left for dead on a train track, and you can’t be perfectly happy within two months – something is wrong with you.

But the truth is, when you go through something so traumatic, it changes you.  Your view of the world, of yourself, are altered…forever, it seems.

I am not pretty.

I am not safe.

It is my fault for putting myself in the situation.

I ruined my own life.

I am supposed to be dead.

I’m not the person I was a year ago.  I don’t know what I am anymore.  All I know is that I need help to work through this.

Everyone blamed me.  My host family, my siblings, the doctors, the program directors.  I went from being loved to being spurned overnight.  The second they found alcohol in my blood, they didn’t test for the date rape drug.  Oh, you were drinking, they said.  So you probably just fell.  No, I was attacked.  Don’t you see the bruises?  Inconclusive.  You were drinking, the friends you chose to go out with abandoned you – so it’s your fault.  What a disgrace you are.  Someone tried to kill me as a hate crime, why don’t you care?  The fact of the matter is, you put yourself in that situation through your own choices.  I was waiting for a train to take me home, just like millions of people everyday – I’m sorry, but the fact is, you did this to yourself.  Do you realize, you should be dead?  As it is, you are disfigured and it will cost your family thousands in medical bills, don’t you feel guilty for all the pain you’ve caused other people?

Why is it easier to blame the victim that to accept that bad things happen to good people everyday – is it because you are so afraid that, if things like these are random, it could happen to you?  Does it make it easier to insist, oh no, that girl did it to herself?

I am not pretty.

I am not safe.

It is my fault for putting myself in this situation.

I ruined my own life.

I am supposed to be dead.

Help me.

May

I live in a little town tucked away in the mountains.  The valley itself was carved out millions of years ago as the ocean drained away.  The mountains are layered with sandstone and mudstone, with peaks of basalt burst from long-dead volcanoes.  A river fed by melting snowfall still winds through the valley, changing its shape constantly but slowly, leaving curves of scars, dried oxbow lakes.

The wind as it tumbles down the mountains and pulls through the valley can knock you down.  Some days, going to class is a battle in itself.  The air as it hits your face causes the breath to tumble from your lungs, the clothing to tear from your skin.

Adam holds my hand through it all.  He walks slowly enough for me to keep up, and pulls me back on my feet when I lose balance.  When the wind in my face forces my eyes closed, I hold onto him tighter.  He squeezes my hand in return.  Blindly I follow him, trusting him. 

Where I cannot stand alone, he is there, pulling me forward.

May

In one of my favorite movies, Jack Nicholson walks up to a group of severely depressed psychiatric patients, turns to them, and asks:

“What if this is as good as it gets?”

We were taught from childhood that the grass is always greener on the other side.  That we should accept nothing less of perfection.  If we aren’t first, we’re last.  We spend our whole lives working to attain one goal after another, improving our chances at happiness one day at a time.  And while goals are a healthy thing, and self-improvement is far from unfulfilling, sometimes we just need to…need to…

STOP.

We need to stop and remember it’s not the goal, it’s the steps we take towards it.  Rather than beat myself up for not being as thin as I’d like, I need to focus on the fact I am losing weight.  More importantly, I am healthier now than ever before in my life.  I’ve even made a great friend who motivates me and shows me new resistance workouts at the gym.  Instead of getting caught up in future plans with Adam, I need to cherish every second I have with him right now.  We are able to be together every single day.  We have the same morals, the same humor, the same interests.  We are happy together, we are faithful to one another, we hold hands and cuddle and take long walks in the mountains…  Not every couple is that lucky.  My relationship with Adam is blessed with so many beautiful moments that I know are special…  Even when it comes to school work, and graduating on time, and getting into the honors program I want and the major I want…why can’t I just focus on each test as they come, and feel proud of myself?  Why am I so hard on myself? 

I’m on the right track in everything in life, I feel it.  For all I know, I could lose my health, my boyfriend, my scholarship all overnight.  While I haven’t attained any of my “goals” yet…can’t I be proud that right now, this moment, I am doing well?  I am happy in this moment! I am happy with myself, I am proud of myself!  And that is something I haven’t always had! 

Maybe the number one goal in life is the simplest one, and yet I’d forgotten…the number one goal isn’t to constantly strive for more, but just to appreciate every ounce of goodness, of happiness, in the world.  Cherish this moment, because it could truly be as good as it gets.

May

The past couple of days have included major relapses.  I feel bullied by Adam’s friends, and like the odd man out on the dance team.  Very alone.  Plus, my mom came into town and felt the need to criticize my weight…and my dad made a joke about kids being hit by trains…

Last night I came home from dance practice to find this written on my desktop.  Adam struggles with communication…he is soft-spoken and listens rather than consoles…so while he is no poet, it meant a lot that he tried…

May,

You mean everything to me. It destroys me and eats me up inside to see you so upset and troubled by your weight. Please
believe me when I say you are the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. I love you May, without you, I couldn’t be.
I have the fortune of holding you every night and waking up to you every morning. I want to marry you, please be mine.
Believe me when I say that you don’t need to change, you’re perfect. I love you with all my heart – you are my world, you
are my everything.

I know that I am not the best for you, and you feel like you are not the best for me, but I do know this – we are perfect
for each other. You complete me sweetie pie.

Look back, look back at us, and see and realize that I have loved you, do love you, and always will love you. You are
everything I live for now. I want to succeed so I can support you as my wife. I want to be fit so that you can always be
proud to hold my hand in public. I want to be yours.

I will always keep you safe and cared for.

Love forever and ever,

Adam H P

I am a total sap.  I love when couples Build-A-Bear together or carve their names into tree trunks.  When elderly couples hold hands and when the good guy finally gets the girl.  Handwritten cards on birthdays and home-made pies on Christmas.

In regards to Valentine’s Day, previous beaus have gone all out.  I’ve received more Teddy Bears than I could keep – one of them being larger than me.  Jewelry too; heart necklaces and silver rings.  Chocolates and roses, love poems and songs…  I’ve been taken to lovely dinners at expensive restaurants, ones I know neither of us could afford…

I didn’t want any of it.

What I want this Valentine’s Day is not something you can eat, or buy, or try on at Jared’s.  I know these are all ‘tolkens of appreciation’…but somehow they have always felt so empty to me.

If I could wish for three things this Valentine’s day, here they are.   

1) For him to tell me that he doesn’t want me to lose weight, that he thinks I am beautiful despite my flaws.  Every day I stare at my plate, fighting with myself over if I should eat or not.  It consumes me…  I don’t want the chocolates, I just want to be told I can eat them and he will still find me pretty. 

2) For him to tell me that I will be the only girl in his arms.  That I’m not just another number, some ”filler girl” to mess around with until he finds someone special.  I don’t want a pink bear to cuddle, I want him to hold me, to be faithful. 

3) For him to tell me that he is happier because of me, that he loves waking up next to me and spending every day by my side.  I don’t want a shiny ring on my finger – the only thing I want on my hand is his.

That’s what I want for Valentine’s Day.

May

I’ve been doing ballet on and off since I was two years old.  A month ago I decided to join the university’s dance team.

Here are the three performances from the last two weeks.  Bear in mind, we had about 3-4 days to learn each routine!  See if you can spot me

Sorry for bad quality on the first one.

“Superbass” – my first performance ever on the team.

“Rolling in the Deep” – actually missing a dancer.  Her knee gave out right before the performance.

“Moves Like Jagger” – our first dance with the three new girls.

Please keep comments nice!  We are a small school, and I am not claiming we could compete nationally.  This is my passion, and even if I’m not great at it, it gives me something to look forward to each day.

May

Adam and I were laying in bed last night, face to face.  The only break in the darkness was a streetlamp shining through cracks in the blinds.  I could make out the rough outline of his body, and the muted light reflected off his hair.  He was stroking my side, his fingers running along each rib to my spine.

“You feel so fragile, May.”

“I’ve always been smaller than you.”

“But I can make out each of your ribs…”

“You always could.”

“Not like this.”

“I’ve only dropped 10 pounds.  I could lose another 20 and still be in the healthy weight category-”

“I don’t care about that!  Don’t lose any more weight…please, May.”

“124 at 5’2″ is not underweight, I’m fine.”

“What you weight doesn’t matter!  I want you to be healthy.  Please, you feel so fragile, May…”

M

My Accident.

May

Everytime I try and go to my homepage, it says the link is “broken”.  Anyone else having this problem?