June 19, 2013

• Summer Finally Started… [long post]

  …and it’s the first time in years I don’t have a summer job.  I tried for a few internships, and I didn’t want to go back to Kansas City and lifeguard…so I ended up staying in Colorado.  It’s been great – my days have mostly been with Josh.  We go hiking in the awesome (true meaning of the word) mountains by the house, or sit and read by the river.  I’ve also been better about going to the gym, and my confidence is going back up.  While a lot of people might consider this a waste of time, it’s really just been a much needed recharge time.  I didn’t realize how burnt out I was until field session was over and I could actually relax for the first time.  I’ll be spending several weeks this summer finishing up surgeries and recovering, so it’s not all a walk in the park (darn).

  I’m leaving Friday to go to San Diego with my mother.  She’s even more burnt out than me, and decided a long weekend retreat with her daughter would help.  I really feel bad for my mom sometimes.  She worked her way through night-school when she was my age, got hired on by the Federal Government, and hasn’t stopped working since.  She tried to retire when I entered high school, to start her own business repping local artists.  Then the economy totally crashed…she and my dad began working a low-paying hourly job counting widgets at a factory just to make ends meet.  Right as I was entering college, the Treasury Department hired her as an investigator.  It has been a rough job that requires constant travel, some dangerous situations (and physically demanding tactical training), and honestly I’m surprised my mom is sticking with it.  I received a nice scholarship from my university for my ACT scores, but everything else is being paid for by her.  I’m not eligible for student loans, and the school I attend is too demanding for a side job.  The expenses I face would hardly be scratched working 20-40 hours a week…and my GPA would fall below my scholarship requirements…

  I really appreciate all that my mother is doing for me, but it also breaks my heart.  She’s in her late fifties, and the job is wearing her down.  I’m glad she’s taking a few days off to recharge, and I’ll do my best to take care of everything for her.  I’m also returning home after San Diego for a few days to be with my parents.  She really misses me, and I know it would help her if I cleaned up the house and took care of some minor repairs for her.

   

  I don’t know what’s going on with Josh and Adam.  My mom keeps reminding me I need to choose.  At least I have until the end of summer.

  Adam always took care of me, better than any man ever could.  He completely adores me, shelters me, loves me.  But he’s always struggled to show passion for me, which I crave.  Josh, on the other hand, is extremely passionate for me.  He’s not as mature as Adam (who is a completely mellow, old soul) but he’s also more fun-loving and understanding.  He hasn’t learned every way to take care of me yet – but he sees me as an equal partner, and isn’t afraid to ask me for help as well.  We fight sometimes, which Adam and I never did…but it always ends well and I think it’s healthy.  They both have a deep faith, and would both commit fully to me the moment I was ready.  I completely loathe Adam’s father, who is abusive, and have a hard time dealing with his family.  That said, he is nothing like the man, and if anything he has learned from his parents’ mistakes.  Josh’s family is completely open and loving, if not somewhat naieve.  No drinking, no fighting, no dirty words…that kind of family.  Josh shares that innocence.  We’ve spent a lot of time with his family, who joke about “adopting me”, and I love it. 

  It’s a hard choice.

   

  What do you guys think?

   

  Sorry for the long post.  I am not really bonding with any of the blog sites I’ve tried, so if you want to keep in touch with me, you’re welcome to add me on facebook or skype (message me).

   

  Yours

  May

  • 6:44 pm
  • 6 Comments