November 26, 2012
-
Mommy Issues
I honestly wonder how many people with anxiety and eating issues can directly link these conflicts with a specific person or event. For me, it’s my mother.
When I was fourteen I had to stop ballet lessons because of the economic crash. My parents had both just retired (the economy had been great), and, desperate for money, took up hourly-wage jobs just to get by. This was also the time of my life where the curvy-side of puberty hit me full-force, and the combination of the two helped me settle in at a (healthy) weight of 130.
“You’re getting fat” my mom told me.
During spring semester of my freshman year, I joined the school’s swim team. While my weight didn’t change, the 3-hour-per-day workouts got me into great shape, and my mom didn’t bring it up again. To be fair, I loved swim team, and I eventually won a scholarship to swim year-round on a club team.
After senior year of high school, I went to Germany for a year. I picked up dance again, but my life was a lot more about having fun that staying trim. I gained about 15 lbs.
At the close of my time in Germany, I had a terrible accident that left me disfigured and depressed. I decided when I got home that getting back in shape might be a good way to boost my confidence, which has been lacking since my accident.
My mom noticed, and got competitive.
Last Christmas was when “getting in shape” turned into “eating as little as possible”. I would wait as long as possible to eat – usually only eating lightly at dinner with my parents. I exercised obsessively, my mom more than willing to fund a gym membership. I dropped down to 120 by the time I returned to school. My mom had noticed my changing habits and, rather than being alarmed, she began to compete.
“All I had is a yogurt today, but I’m not hungry” she would say. Or, “Maggie, don’t eat that toast. It’s just carbs. I never eat carbs.”
Disordered eating went hand in hand with the trauma I had refused to face following my accident. I dropped pound after pound, my grades began to slip, I pushed away friends and my boyfriend. (I won’t list my “low weight” in case it’s triggering.) I hated myself so much. Weight loss was the only thing my mom seemed to support.
Finally, that spring I called my mom and said if I didn’t get help, I would kill myself.
I still see my counselor every week. My weight is back in my healthy, high school range. I do weight training with a trainer a few times a week, as well as dance team and rock climbing. I have bouts of not eating, and I always fight with disordered thoughts.
But those disordered thoughts are always echos of my mother’s voice, insisting I’m eating too much, insisting I’m not working out enough.
She’s in town this week. She picked me up today and took me to lunch at an empty cafe downtown. Crepes, coffee, salads, sandwiches.
She listened to me order, then ordered something lower calorie. This is her habit, this is what she does every time we eat together. If I order a burrito bowl at Qdoba, she orders one with no rice. If I order a salad, she orders one with no dressing.
“What did you do today, Maggie?”
“I had Statics and Calculus, then I went to the gym -”
“You went to the gym?! How terrific. I need to figure out some exercises to do in my hotel room. I mean, I have handweights at home but it’s not like I can travel with them.”
“Yeah. But in Calculus today we -”
“I ran on the treadmill for eight miles this morning, Maggie. Burned 459 calories. I didn’t eat any breakfast though, so it’s okay for me to eat my soup. I can’t believe you ordered a sandwich though -”
“It’s caprese -”
“All that bread, Maggie. Just empty carbs, turn into sugar and sugar turns into fat. By the way, have you put on weight? You’re getting fat.”
May
Comments (21)
Your mom has some real issues :/
I feel you. I was grossly underweight (and short) when I was a kid, hit 13 and gained 6 inches and 50 pounds in 2 months, and my mom insisted I needed to stop eating like when I was skinny because I was getting fat and people were starting to notice. She doesn’t have that competitive side, though. She’s 240lb, so she’s just a nasty hypocrite when she chastises me about eating too much or putting on the pounds. All I can say is, just keep going how you are. If you’re happy and healthy, she doesn’t get a say in it. Hang in there girl. You’re awesome. =)
@GreekPhysique - I know, but she won’t admit it. I just don’t understand why she wants to trigger me back into bad eating habits – she was the one who found help when I told her I was starving myself. IDK what to say to her.
@oOMyRunningLogOo - Thanks sweetie. My mom used to be my size – “5’3 and a size 3″ – when she was my age so genetically it’s ridiculous for her to be mad at me for not being stick-thin. And she drinks all her calories now so she’s about 20 lbs heavier than me – I think that’s why she’s competitive. I’m sorry you go through the same thing.
the situation with your mom sounds really difficult.
That is insane! I am so sorry to hear that your mother is treating you that way. It sounds like she has some issues going on.
@sonnigenmai - My mom just sits and bemoans that she was thin when she was my age and whines about being fat while eating pie. But I think she was like 140 when she was my age and she’s like 5’4″ I think. But yeah, I’m sorry you do, too. I’m glad you’re doing well now, though.
this sounds really hard
i empathize w/ you. if your mom drinks a lot she clearly has issues that make it really about her, not you, although you’re right there as someone whom she can use to feel better about herself. but although she seems manipulative i feel sorry for hr too. she keeps losng respect from you & moms should be supportive etc..shes just lessening her own credibility. if that makes sense. i hope you can talk to her or maybe bring it up that she’s aready at a good weighbt..maybe telling her she’s already thin etc & just needs to maintain will throw her off 
id try it a few times and see.
Omg…that is terrible! Why would somebodys mother do that knowing they struggled with an eating disorder…or at all? That seems like a very unhealthy and triggering relationship. I really dont understand the competing either…she should be supporting you. Im sorry that you have to face this while trying to be healthy again. Dont let her words let the ED thoughts take over again. Fight it..youre
Youre an amazing, beautiful person and it would be a shame for you to feel less than so.
My mom recently told me she wishes I had never turned to bulimia and “chosen” anorexia instead. But she doesn’t put constant pressure on me to be thin so I guess I’m lucky. I’m sorry you have to deal with that.
That’s sad that your mom acts like that.
It’s ok, I realized I hate my mom too. She’s a self-centered ball of jealousy, poor girl. She sucks happiness out of everyone when she can.
I try not to be like her.
What your mother says to you is absolutely horrible. I know exactly how difficult it is to try to ignore those words and not let them trigger destructive behavior, so I hope you’re doing well and getting by okay. &always remember, you’re positively beautiful <3
ahh. That’s awful! I see what you mean now by “competitive”. That’s sort-of ridiculous. There’s a movie called “Hunger Point” about two sisters who have eating disorders because their mom is super obsessed with their weight. The way you described your mom put that mom in my head. She was telling her daughters pretty much the same thing like: don’t eat the skin, it’s all fat, and don’t eat bread, you’ve gained a few, etc. I agree with armywife4life2007, you shouldn’t let her words get to you. You’re beautiful and you should forever remind yourself of that. Of course, I’m quite the hypocrite, so, perhaps this advice is better given by someone else lol.
@ephemeralana - It really is. And I’m terrified to confront her about it because we are close otherwise.
@hurricanehealthy - I think so too. I wish she’d consider seeing a counselor too – it really helped me.
@PerfectSkinnyGirl - Her mom was super manipulative with her – I don’t even think she realizes she does it. But I agree – maybe if I approach her without being confrontational, she’ll stop and think.
@eatcleantrainhard - I’m worried because last year, Christmas break is when my ED took over. And she wasn’t even like this then. I don’t think she realizes she’s doing it.
@big_fatslob - That’s awful! If you could “chose”, you would have chosen health over either!!! I’m sorry sweetie
@musterion99 - I think so, too.
@phantomFive - The thing is, for the most part I love & respect my mom. This whole “food” competition with her is new and really throwing me off track.
@ArmyWife4Life2007 - Thanks sweetie.
@whereXisXerin - I try not to give into her – I don’t want my body to be controlled by my mother. I haven’t heard of that movie before, but I can relate to it. Thanks for the support
Oh, did she start a new thing where she is trying to lose weight? Maybe she just wants someone to share it with
@phantomFive - I think I might just take her aside and tell her that I don’t think she’s going about it in a healthy way. If she wants to drop the competition, and EAT, and not DISCOURAGE me from eating everything, I think it would be a lot better.
But it’s always hard to stand up to my mom, I respect her so much.
@sonnigenmai - Yeah, it can be hard. Try rolling your eyes when she says something silly. Rolling your eyes makes everything in life easier.