October 2, 2012

• Trying To Keep My Head Above Water

  I tried to put it into words for my counselor

  It feels like I’m stranded in the sea in the middle of a storm.  No matter how hard I kick to keep my head above water, waves ten times my size crash down.

  The waves are mainly school.  The Physics II test was a 34%.  Statics, 77%.  Calculus III, I’m not sure yet, but I’m guessing a high C.  I need a 3.0 to stay in the honors program – which in itself is so much work I almost never have it done on time.  Another Physics test is approaching quickly.  I’m desperate – I am getting tutoring now, trying to stay ontop of the homework – because if this next round of tests doesn’t improve, I don’t know what I will do.

  Other waves come from dance team.  The captain feels the need to turn our amazing team into a “poms” team, AKA “wanna be cheerleaders”.  Gag me.  Practices are three times a week for over two hours.  Last weekend was homecoming – we were practicing on the field at 8 AM, in the parade at 10 AM, and on the field for the game from 11:30-4:00.  Not only do we dance at halftime (which is all we were ever supposed to do), but we have to stand there with the cheerleaders with cheap costumes and poms the entire game, doing cheers with them, kicklines, the fight song, etc.  It’s draining, and not at all what I signed up for.  On top of that, the captain only cares about showcasing herself and her sorority sisters – I’m a damn good dancer, and I told her flat out that I’m sick of being shoved in the back to make room for girls who have 0 experience.  The team is super demanding, and I’m not seeing the reward in it anymore.

  The worst waves are personal attacks that remind me of bullying in grade school.  Adam’s fraternity, despite all of my efforts to be a part of their activities, to bake goods for them regularly, to form decent friendships…banned me from helping with their homecoming float – which meant a lot to Adam.  It was a slap in the face.  I was also told not to come to the after party – both events Adam was required to attend.  Adam fought them on it, but they insisted that the sorority girls didn’t feel comfortable with “outside girls” there.  Apparently being a Sigma Kappa matters more than a year-long commitment to one of the fraternity’s members.  God I was livid.  The best part is a large portion of dance team ARE Sigma Kappas.  So it was a double hit.

  I have made a huge effort to stay positive.  I have a new friend, Mel, that I’ve been pretty inseparable from for a while now.  The only issue is she has an active eating disorder, and I have to really stay strong to not fall into that habit.  I am also bonding with a girl from dance team, which makes it bearable.  I spent the evening after homecoming with Adam, my best friend and his girlfriend, at a fireworks display, and then a low-key party at his house.  I am trying so hard.

  But I’m afraid I’ll be thrown back down.

   

  I just want a chance to breathe.

   

  May

   

  
  

  ^ my bestie from dance team and me (right) ^
  

  • 9:33 pm
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