September 1, 2012

• The Boys of Summer

  I feel it in the air, the summer’s out of reach…

  But what a summer…

   

  Adam left, and the floor slid from under my feet.  He had been my strength through all of my recovery – he had been there with me, nearly every moment of every day, since the August before.  I defined myself through him.  He was my motivation, my joy.

  He was gone.

   

  I tried to talk to my parents about it – they rolled their eyes and told me to suck it up.  My counselor suggested I find new friends in Kansas City.  No one seemed to understand that for me, there was no point having so much free time if I couldn’t spend it with him.

  So for the fourth summer in a row, I chose to lifeguard.  More than that, I chose to make an effort to befriend my coworkers.

   

  

  Every time I worked the night shift, we ended early to play on the slides.  Afterwards would be Chipolte or frozen yogurt.  The day or morning shift might end in a shopping spree.  I worked 40 hours a week, but despite the humid, 100+ degree Kansas City heat, I loved it.

  I all but stopped texting Adam – which he barely noticed.  He had always struggled with communication while we were apart.  Truthfully, I all but stopped needing him.

  

  

  

  

   

  
  This summer gave me a chance to discover who I was outside of a relationship – something I had never done in my entire life.  It taught me to make my own plans, rather than stick to the comfort of staying in with Adam.
  

  But…
  

  I met Chris.
  

  

   

  And he stood out.
  

  He moved in to fill that void created by Adam.
  

  He was funny, and by that I mean he could keep me on my toes – something no man has ever been able to do.  Our banter lasted all day, every day.  Working, texting, our evenings together (there were many).  He was care free, yet I felt he could take care of me.  For once, I wasn’t planning every evening, controlling everything.  I could just breathe.
  

   

  I didn’t cheat on Adam with Chris.  Despite our nearly non-existent contact, I remained Adam’s.
  

   

  For weeks after I returned to Colorado, I still wondered what if…what if I had taken a chance with the rather reckless “bad boy”?  What if I had let go of my caregiver for someone who seemed much more of an equal player?
  

   

  It’s something my old self would have gone for.  I would have left Adam in the dust and swung from one vine to the next.  I am not proud of it, but that’s been my MO since I started dating at the age of 14.  But instead, Adam and I drove together to Colorado…and, together, we worked hard to restore the cracks in our relationship.  Because there were many.  When we first got to Colorado, all I could think about was Chris.  That I didn’t feel that romantic high with Adam like I had with Chris.  Everything about Adam unnerved me – I felt somehow above him.  I am grateful that has passed – and that Adam was patient with me.  He accepted that after months without him, I didn’t know how to incorporate him back into my life and didn’t pressure me or make me feel guilty for it.
  

  But I stuck with it – and so did he.  And it’s an on-going process that brings us so much joy.  We are closer now, more open now, than before.

   

  Because it wasn’t Adam’s fault that we weren’t equal players – it had been mine.  For needing him to take care of me during my recovery, rather than be my romantic partner.  Now that I can stand on my own, it’s a whole new experience.
  

   

  Men aren’t disposable.
  

   

  I’m glad I finally understand that some things are worth fighting for – not trading in.
  

  

  ^ us on my birthday ^
  

   

  May
  

   
  

  • 4:57 pm
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