December 5, 2011
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The Ball’s In Your Court
I’m not a virgin.
I am not a virgin.
I have been used, and loved. I know both sides of the coin. While I don’t want to say I’ve been desensitized, maybe the truth is, I really had been. So when I met Adam in August, and he had no interest in sleeping with me, I was a bit confused.
Rejected may have been the better word.
I finally had found the best fit for me - childish humor like mine, intelligent, a band geek, handsome and physically active, gentle, loving…and respectful. Very respectful. That’s how he explained it to me. “May, it’s not that I don’t want to have you,” he told me, pressing my hands to his face, “but I respect you and love you too much.” He was so sincere that I was taken aback. I knew there were good Catholic boys who took you to church, who kissed your forehead, who saved themselves for marriage. Just not, you know, outside of the Duggars.
It really tore me up inside. I didn’t want to cheat, and I didn’t want to leave him. I didn’t want intimacy to become an issue. But when you’ve had it as part of your previous relationships…it can be a challenge. His emphasis on respect made me feel that pressuring him in any way would be disrespectful to him, so I tried to understand where he was coming from, to rediscover the real meaning sex had. I read “How to Find Your Soulmate Without Losing Your Soul”, I spent more time with my bible study that focused on Christian dating, I talked to people close to me, and I spent a lot of time evaluating myself. Did I really love the man I had slept with? No…I didn’t.
So I let Adam court me. And we did achieve intimacy – hours of cuddling and talking, kissing eachother until we got goosebumps, even just walking along the river together…everything carried so much more meaning. I felt, for the first time, that I was actively experiencing each part of the relationship. And it was beautiful.
He knew that it hurt me, being rejected. So a few days ago, he sat me down and told me the ball was in my court. He wants to wait, but at the same time, he wants to make me happy. He kissed me and promised me never to reject me again.
But, strangely enough, I don’t think I’m ready for sex right now. If what we have eventually leads to physical intimacy – be that marriage, or a very long term relationship – I’m okay with that. But I’ve discovered something much more wonderful to foster in my our life – love.
- May
Comments (12)
you got yourself a catch here kid
awwww <3
May…my goodness. Between this and the heart post, are you trying to make me cry? Oh my. So touching, and I think you touch on a love that can be had that so many of us have forgotten. I found this very encouraging, and deeply meaningful. I’m also envious, in a good way.
That’s really awesome. I’m happy for you! I’m glad you found a good man. =)
@TexasTidbits - I like to think so. He’s Texan, so I mean he is by nature a great guy, right?
@drk1mmy - Thanks
@GreekPhysique - That means a lot. I’m sorry I’ve made two posts about him in a row – but I’m just really happy and wanted to share it. I’m glad you find it encouraging
@anonimousewun - Thanks so much
I’m glad too!
@sonnigenmai - now he has more in his favor if he is texan
This is so incredibly sweet. He sounds like a keeper, and just from reading this one post about him, it’s easy to tell her deeply loves and respects you.
@TexasTidbits - Agreed.
@forever_musing - Thank you. I hope you are right
Adam sounds one in a million, a prince in a sea of knaves, a knight in shiny armour.
At one point in my life I was a lot like Adam. As a quick side-note I’m not trying to toot my own horn here at all, cause honestly, I can’t say I care what faceless/nameless people think about faceless me, I’m just going to give you how I felt
)
Dating/courting in the past I never slept with any of them and I never kissed one of them, and each and every time I had to break through the wall of them believing that I wasn’t attracted to them, which is just silly.
It’s frustrating on two parts, one, that in order for a girl to feel that I’m attracted to her I need to be forward (and I’m not talking respectfully) and put myself in the place of every other guy who thinks with his dick, and two, that she could think so little of herself that when a man does finally respect her she feels rejected because this isn’t how they are use to being treated.
My overall thoughts have changed on the subject, and I feel differently towards some things, but the main idea is still there, when I open a door for a woman, it isn’t because I don’t think she can’t handle it, or she NEEDS my help, it’s because it is nice and the proper thing to do.
When a guy does something different then every other guy before him, you may want to pay attention, because selfish people are all to common.
Makes me smile. For many reasons.
@Kiwigummy - I think so
@TheOddestThings - I agree, although it really it strange to meet a man like that. We spend so much of our relationship laughing, and it feels much more stress free than any previous one.
@AgainstTheWind1 - I’m glad