October 16, 2010
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Post 1
So a friend on the site asked me why I wasn’t posting. Having the time of my life is a pretty good excuse, but I think I can share some of it from now on. So I’m going to try and post small bits from my diary – things that really mattered to me or affected my life.
Dienstag 12 Oktober 2010
I’m only in the school for three more weeks – until Herbstferien. Then I can hopefully spend a few days in Bonn. Right now Markus is in K. for his earlier Herbstferien. He is staying with J’s old host family. My own host family has had him over once for breakfast, twice for lunch and twice for dinner in the past 4 days. But before he came they made a big deal about not wanting to even meet the guy. I’m not sure if maybe they genuinely like him or if they are going to be mad at me when he leaves. I wish this situation wasn’t so uncomfortable. At least they are getting along with him and seem to like him. He really likes my hostdad…
…I just feel so stressed right now with my hostfamily. Not just regarding Markus – although they wanted to kick me out at one point because of his “complications”. But I’m always terrified I’m not going to meet their expectations and they’ll want to kick me out again. In example my hostbrothers. I try to talk and joke with them. But its really hard to know what to say or do. Its not like I had little brothers in America. I really don’t know how to interact with them, and I’d like to think my host mom at least sees my constant effort. I help them with homework, I talk to them, I read with the littler one. I do like the family. I think they are nice. I’m just scared they are building up to another conflict. Like something’s always wrong and they aren’t telling me until it’s too late. And I’m so thrilled by how nice my host mom is right now to Markus, but I’m scared its all superficial. Maybe I’ll never feel comfortable here…
…I wonder if I’ve changed since I got here. I wonder if I’ll like who I am when this is all over…
…sometimes Markus really surprises me. Especially with how he handles (both!) my hostfamilies, and the distance. I can see a possibility of staying with him, even when I have to go back to America…
…should man love out of practicality, or adjust his life plans to be with whom fate decides? Where’s the happy medium?
To stay in Germany after the year is over, or to go home? It’s always hard to pick between two good things. Especially when the choice will change the entire outcome of your life. To go to Germany with the program in the first place, or not, right?
I wish I knew what I really wanted. Then maybe I could figure out the best way to get there…
Comments (4)
I already told you what I thought on Facebook, haha. But I do hope things work out
Thanks for updating, Maggie May
ah, long-distance is so tough, but you’re building skills..
no decision is unchangeable. While each may set you on a different path, there is always a chance to re-evaluate, to change your mind. Sometimes distance between lovers can strengthen each others resolve, confirming your feelings. Good luck.
Sounds tough but just keep being yourself.