May 25, 2013
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Some Small Updates
- I moved into Adam’s fraternity house. Things with the roommate (which have been mentioned in previous posts) were getting bad. It escalated from passive aggressive (moving all the communal furniture into his room, slamming doors) to verbal abuse (screaming at me non-stop the moment I entered the apartment, calling me a whore, trying to convince Adam I was cheating) to violent (grabbing my wrist, chasing me when I tried to run). Living here hasn’t been good, to be honest, but at least I’m safe. I’m on a lease until August 1st, when I’ll either move in with two girls, or find my own place.
- Adam and I struggled this past semester, and finally agreed to take a break. He’s convinced we will get back together, and is maintaining contact. I honestly don’t think he will be ok if we don’t get back together.
- I’m torn between Adam and Josh, who I grew closer to. Right now I’m not in a committed relationship with either, and I’m not looking forward to making the decision.
- Adam and I realized our relationship started going downhill last summer. He was unable to really be there for me, to show me affection or be emotionally supportive. So I looked elsewhere for it – innocently enough. Then it snowballed – he wouldn’t show me affection because he was convinced I was getting it somewhere else, and I didn’t go to him for affection because he was too bitter to give it. I’m not proud of it, I’m not happy with it, but I’m glad we’ve finally figured out what went wrong.
- I’m staying in Colorado over the summer. My internship with a coal company didn’t work out, so I’m not sure what I’ll do once my summer class is over. Honestly, I’d like to just enjoy the time to visit friends and family, and to figure myself out.
- Adam has been gone the past 10 days for a class, and he’s leaving in the morning to go back to Texas for the rest of the summer. His family still doesn’t know we are on a break. Last night when we talked everything through was the best communication we’ve had in a year. Spending today with him downtown was the most fun we’ve had since November.
- I did fairly well grade-wise, with a 3.03 (for engineering, that’s good, I promise). I did have to drop one class do to the drama with the roommate.
- I gained some weight and lost a lot of self-confidence. It’s funny to look back at pictures of me a year ago, when I was caught up in the worst of my eating disorder. I’m only ten or so pounds heavier now, actually about the same weight I was in high school. I think my lack of control in the other aspects of my life, especially with Adam, are causing me to focus back on my body.
I don’t know what I want in life, anymore. I don’t know if I really like me, anymore. I’m just trying to take it day by day..
Comments (9)
Nothing wrong with taking it day by day. Good luck with everything.
Good to hear from you. I was in Denver for work a few weeks ago, lovely city. I hope this summer will help you make up your mind.
Just be sure that you can overcome any challenge you face
I hope you can find some peace/stability in life, it sounds like you are being pulled in different directions by lots of energy. Maybe become better friends with yourself to see things more clearly, think about what you need. Take care.
Looks like things are a little rocky right now, but you seem to be handling it well. And it’s certainly not nearly as bad as it was a couple of years or so ago… ouch. I am so, so glad that that’s over with.
@Foodhog - Thanks sweetie.
@GreekPhysique - Darn, I missed you. I like Denver – I live about ten minutes outside of it in a fairly small town. Get the best of both.
@phantomFive - Thank you.
@proanaArt - Thanks for the advice. I think I’ve been so caught up by relationships since high school I haven’t spent enough time evaluating myself, or my needs.
@TheSchizoidMan - I always take it for granted how long I’ve been friends with some of you
It’s definitely a lot better than a few years ago. If the worst problems I encounter include a short-notice move and having to choose between two moral, good guys I think I’m doing alright.
May
You are so strong and doing great with everything! You are also brave to take a break with Adam. I’m stupidly torn in my heart and mind about what I’m doing. I admire your ability to take control of a situation and do what you feel is best. I hope you can find a good living situation. I also pray you have a good summer and work everything out. <3
@unstoppableobsession – thanks sweetie. I’m lucky that Adam is so understanding. Most men think break means break up, when it really means we are women and need time to figure out what we really want ha
@sonnigenmai - I think you are doing great, and I hope you can figure out just what it is that you truly want and will make you happiest. You deserve all the happiness in the world!