March 31, 2012
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Something is Wrong with Me
After months of fighting with thoughts of suicide, with regular crying for “no reason”, with loneliness and an eating disorder…I finally asked for help.
Apparently I’m not “over” being attacked. In the USA, if you aren’t “over” a trauma within two months, you are “clinically depressed”. If your mom dies, if you are raped, if you are left for dead on a train track, and you can’t be perfectly happy within two months – something is wrong with you.
But the truth is, when you go through something so traumatic, it changes you. Your view of the world, of yourself, are altered…forever, it seems.
I am not pretty.
I am not safe.
It is my fault for putting myself in the situation.
I ruined my own life.
I am supposed to be dead.
I’m not the person I was a year ago. I don’t know what I am anymore. All I know is that I need help to work through this.
Everyone blamed me. My host family, my siblings, the doctors, the program directors. I went from being loved to being spurned overnight. The second they found alcohol in my blood, they didn’t test for the date rape drug. Oh, you were drinking, they said. So you probably just fell. No, I was attacked. Don’t you see the bruises? Inconclusive. You were drinking, the friends you chose to go out with abandoned you – so it’s your fault. What a disgrace you are. Someone tried to kill me as a hate crime, why don’t you care? The fact of the matter is, you put yourself in that situation through your own choices. I was waiting for a train to take me home, just like millions of people everyday – I’m sorry, but the fact is, you did this to yourself. Do you realize, you should be dead? As it is, you are disfigured and it will cost your family thousands in medical bills, don’t you feel guilty for all the pain you’ve caused other people?
Why is it easier to blame the victim that to accept that bad things happen to good people everyday – is it because you are so afraid that, if things like these are random, it could happen to you? Does it make it easier to insist, oh no, that girl did it to herself?
I am not pretty.
I am not safe.
It is my fault for putting myself in this situation.
I ruined my own life.
I am supposed to be dead.
Help me.
May
Comments (32)
Aw, I wish I could help you see that it’s not your fault, and that the people who believe that it is are very wrong. You’re beautiful, and as I’ve said before.. you’re here for a reason, love. It’s not just accidental or by chance that you survived. It’s a miracle. Nothing is wrong with you for feeling the way you do, and is a normal response to trauma. I hope and pray that with time, you will be able to heal, but I understand it’s a life long battle. You’re strong, and you made it through the hardest part. You keep fighting, and don’t give up. You deserve to have a fulfilling and happy life. ♥
I think there is something wrong with everyone and I could be head of the line. I see it as a stepping stone or a tomb stone . The flaws could be the manure that grows beauty, or the stink people smell. I don’t focus too much on myself because I’ll spread the latter if I do.
I want you to know that no matter what anyone says, that was not your fault. You may have been in a situation that you entered upon your own volition that got you to the trauma that occurred, but it was not absolutely your fault. Not one single bit. I know it will be so easy to brush this off, but listen to me: you would not have done that if you had known what was to come. You would not have. No person would have. What happened to you was quite possibly a chance to see that you surived for a reason. You have a purpose in this life. You are strong, you are beautiful, you are intelligent, you are loved, and you can get through anything. God does not let things happen to you if He knows that you cannot handle it. You will get through this. It will take time, but just know… at least inside your heart… that you have a purpose in this life and you made it for a reason.
BIG HUG. <3
I love you and I am praying for you.
You ARE pretty! Sorry you are going through this. It wasn’t your fault.
you are SO much stronger than you think.
please believe that.
i don’t know what it is with society and blaming the woman for being sexually assaulted.
we are taught from a very young age “don’t get raped’ instead of telling the males ‘DON’T RAPE’. it’s so a** backwards.
pleased hang in there. there are people (not just women) out there just like you – google some help groups where you can meet them and talk – many of them are free. group sessions can be such a great help – the simple fact of knowing you are not alone can do wonders.
It was not your fault.
Your life is not ruined.
Yeah, you’re right though. You’re not pretty…
You’re beautiful.
Safe? No one is safe. But… you can feel safe, and you should. You don’t have to live in terror. There are people who will protect you. I suspect Adam would be one of them.
Speaking of Adam… when your mirror lies to you, let him be your mirror. He won’t lie to you.
Yes, you need help. But that’s not an accusation against you. You were the victim of a senseless, and motiveless crime. You aren’t a victim, but you were victimized. To hell with any timeline for dealing with trauma. That presupposes that each person is the same. You are right… these things change you.
May, DO NOT give up. PLEASE. When you have the thoughts, talk to someone. Talk to anyone. Please. I’ve been there. You can get past it, as you know because you’re still here. Sometimes it’s just the thoughts, and in a weird way, having them helps you to carry on.
Please do not give up, May. Please.
You are beautiful.
You are not to blame.
Your life has only just begun.
May, they just went xenophobic and blamed you as a dumb American rather than take responsibility for the errors of their own country. I am upset about that.
Everything @AgainstTheWind1 - said. I could not have said it better myself.
You are beautiful and we love you, stay strong. Hugs
I’m sorry you feel that way, May. You probably don’t realize it yet, but the ones who were wrong are the people who won’t help you but rather blame you, and the person(s) who attacked you. I haven’t been following your blog a long time, but I believe you have so much to offer the world. Please, don’t give up. It won’t be easy, and this won’t be quick to get over, but with the right support from certain others, you can most definitely reclaim your life. I really believe you can do this. Best wishes, May.
I don’t have anything to add to what everyone else has said already, so I won’t say anything other than for you to please know that I’m thinking of you.
*big hugs for you*
It angers me that people have said that to you, made you feel that those things are true. what happened was most definitely NOT your fault, you DIDN’T deserve it and shame on the piss ant who did that to you.
You’re extremely pretty. You’re a beautiful person in and out. You’re an awesome person. If you ever need to talk, I’ll listen.
*hugs*
there are many people above this comment saying things to you that i hope you read twice or more. they are speaking the truth, not just hit and run hugs for a hurting girl. now you can choose to believe them or choose to believe lies told by “professionals”. adam offers you hugs and they are as real as the love being written to you on this site. finally, you know what you need right now. YOU do. eliminate anyone who is telling you those words of death. cancel your shrink if the message is simply that it’s YOUR fault. toss away the phone numbers of those who have no empathy for your situation. THEY have not experienced what you have. and lastly, you should NOT be dead and you know it. this pain will pass. everything does.
That’s such bull that they deemed it your fault. Insanity at its finest, seriously. That’s never the victim’s fault, ever. I don’t care what they did or didn’t do or drink or go or whatever, it doesn’t make it okay that the attacker decided to attack them. And you’re right, it does change you forever, but there’s also hope for recovery and getting your life back. You can achieve that combination. And if you’re “clinically depressed,” don’t let that stop you from moving forward, because as soon as you give in to it, it becomes the label they’re trying to force on you. It’s up to you whether you let it define you. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this and that in an experience that should have been exciting and fun and full of joy, you were made a victim. But don’t ever let anyone convince you that it was your fault. That’s bullshit and they’re just looking for a scapegoat. Make them eat their words, we all have faith in you, you can do it! You’re amazing and kind and sweet, and you are more than an event in your life, you are SunnyMay and you shine radiantly. Much love, Em.
i was attacked this month (aprill) 2 yrs ago…..i know how you feel and even know 2 yrs later i still dont think im completely over it but i do know that im a strong person!!! and no matter what i always will be……you wont ever be the same but your arnt broken or anything your just still healing…..i still think it was my fault cause i was a tease and i made him rape me but i KNOW in the back of my head no matter how i acted i still said no and held m legs together…….HE WAS WRONG IS WRONG your not a bad person for it happening pretty girl i promise itll get better!!!
Hi..just visiting from ‘front page’..I don’t know you..but I agree with most of the comments above ..and just want to send you some ‘HUGS’ and tell you..let this day pass..things WILL get better..keep focused on the positive..and that last post of yours..lots of good things to think about…take good care of ‘you’..you deserve no less than anyone else on this earth..always remember that…hugs and love…lee
I’ve been the victim of senseless tragedy. And the first step on the way home is to realize that you are on your own.
What happened is just too heavy and horrible for others to even imagine so I just rewrote the rules on what I expected from others and just started expecting nothing.
Expecting nothing is a great act of giving. And giving to others is the best way to get your tortured mind off of yourself and on to something positive.
Giving to others is the Christian Way. Remember, Jesus died all by himself. His best friends abandoned him. Yet he kept on giving, even while hanging on the Cross.
it’s ridiculous that someone would blame you for something like this. it’s hard enough having to go through it.. but to go through it alone sounds like hell. i’m sorry to hear all this. i wish people would cling onto their humanity instead of the ‘facts’. jesus, the same thing goes on about rape cases you know. if you drink alcohol, wear ‘provocative clothes’ there’s a little chance the police would do something, cause they would say ‘you was asking for it!’ it’s scary.. some fucked up society we live in.
stay strong. xo
I am so sorry. I think that’s completely messed up anyone is blaming you. Don’t take on any of that guilt. Not your fault. Keep seeking help. Give yourself time to move past the attack.. but most importantly.. believe that you can.. even if it takes years.
But the truth is, when you go through something so traumatic, it changes you. Your view of the world, of yourself, are altered…forever, it seems.
I am not pretty.
I am not safe.
It is my fault for putting myself in the situation.
I ruined my own life.
I am supposed to be dead.
I’m not the person I was a year ago. I don’t know what I am anymore. All I know is that I need help to work through this.
My thoughts. Right there. I have a feeling i have blogs to read of yours before I know what happened. I jut wanted to comment and tell you that you have an xangan family to help you. You ARE pretty dear. And even though you don’t feel safe, I hope you find something you can do or go to to make you feel safe. If you were attacked, it wasn’t your fault. Drunk, high, etc. It’s still not your fault. People do bad things. And when people finally just GET that – the world can become much safer. For now we have to protect our own. I know you are the only one you have right now. But you also have people on here.
I don’t know how you found me, I’m glad you did.
You are too pretty! It was not your fault! and you are not supposed to be dead! You DID survive, right? Don’t you think there’s a reason for that? Best you can do is learn self defense and caution with alcohol so you can’t be blamed for that ever again. Not saying having alcohol in you makes it your fault. It doesn’t. It’s just something that a bad person can use to take advantage of you.
The first time I was attacked, I didn’t fight back hard enough because I saw myself outnumbered and alone and thought I couldn’t. In subsequent attacks however, my attitude was completely different: they tried to attack me and I blacked out with a combination of fear and rage in response and thoroughly kicked ass in that state with much harm to them and none to myself. I have never been successfully attacked ever again.
Trust yourself. Trust your instincts. Be ferocious in your own defense. Don’t let them cow you. “Nolite te bastardes carborundorum! (Don’t let the bastards win!),” a quote from Margarette Atwood’s The Handmaid’s Tale. I have it pinned to the wall above my desk. I need the reminder now and then. We all do.
@eatcleantrainhard - Thank you for all your support. I’ll get through it. It just helps to share my emotions sometimes
@unstoppableobsession - Thank you for the kind words and prayers
@musterion99 - Thank you
@AgainstTheWind1 - Adam puts up with so much…I can never thank him for how patient he is with me everyday when I break down. Thank you for your support. I will work through this
@dontwanttofail - Thank you
I agree – knowing I’m not alone helps. I’m grateful for people like you who remind me that not everyone is bad.
@GreekPhysique - Quite frankly it upsets me too. Damn Germans
@mtngirlsouth - Thank you
@proanaArt - Thanks Ken!
@babybug329 - I am getting support – finally. I felt like asking for help meant I was weak, but I’m glad I did. Thanks for your comment.
@TheSchizoidMan - Thank you
@Megabyyte - -hugs- Thank you so much.
@Composing_Life - Thank you for this comment. You are so right….I need to focus on the people that matter.
@IFailEveryTime - Thank you Em
I’m about to cry as I’m reading everyone’s comments. It’s nice to hear someone else agreeing it wasn’t my fault.
@aks123 - Thank you – but I’m so sorry for what happened to you. So many people will never understand, but if you ever need to talk, I’m here
@priorities - Aww thank you !
@sometimestheycomebackanyway - I agree, but it is difficult. I always want to see the best in others, so I’m easily disappointed.
@lumayaaa - Exactly. If you “put yourself in that situation” and something happens – it’s your fault. So any of-age girl who has ever had a drink and taken a train home deserves to be beaten or raped. Brilliant right? Seriously, thank you for your constant support.
@justahabit - Thank you
One step at a time.
@JustaBrokenWing - I’m glad I found you too
If you ever want to talk, shoot me a message hun. Seriously 
Thanks for the comment.
Same goes for you sweetheart(:
and the same goes for you!!
@sonnigenmai - I can’t believe anyone would even say it was. =( Hang in there and keep on shinin’ =)
Aw babes, you’re strong. Never, ever, forget that. Even when life brings you stupid people who do stupid things. You can work through this, and you deserve to have supportive people to be by your side the whole way.
Stay strong, love.
xx
@backtohaunted - Thanks hun
I saw your vid and wow, you have been through so much. Everyone here at Xanga loves you and supports you. I know life is really really hard for you, it’s so unfair, but I admire how strong of a person you are and please don’t feel like you can’t post “depressing” stuff or what you feel. What happened to you is not your fault. :c
People deflect the blame because it’s easier not to think about it happening to them. It sucks, but you’re gonna be okay!
It makes me so angry that this kind of treatment persists even among the medical professionals who are supposed to take care of us. Many of the people I grew up around don’t consider mental disorders legitimate illnesses, and say, “Buck it up,” or “Just deal with it,” as if it were so simple. As a teenager I had a short stay in a mental health ward, and there I was shocked to meet doctors and nurses with the same notions! And when their prescriptions for my problems failed, I was to blame! Medicines not helping me? Oh, I must be lying about taking them. Father died a year ago? That’s plenty of time to get over it! Boy molested you when you were 11? Well, you knew what he wanted when you invited him over! Blame because they couldn’t find an easy “fix” for me.
The psychiatric field in the US has a long way to go, and I could rant on, but there are some knowledgeable, sensitive professionals out there who listen to their patients. I’m truly glad you’re seeking help and I pray you find someone who will do so.
Also, now that I think about, by not testing for date rape drugs, didn’t the police fail to follow procedure? I’m not sure of the laws in your state, but perhaps it’s something to look into. My family suffered an experience of police breach of procedure, and at the time I was too traumatized to handle it, but I’ve sometimes wished since then that I had sought reparative action.
I think you are a beautiful soul and I hope you keep writing and speaking about your experiences, both as catharsis for yourself and maybe also for others.
wow, first of all you’re really beautiful& the fact that you don’t think so is because of the negative feelings that the attack brought on. but of course you’re beautiful. & i’m so sorry, no one deserves this. society should be taught not to rape. people rape and attack in so many forms. it’s never the victimized person’s fault. it’s just that people act worse than animals. worse because animals can’t think-people can think and that makes them worse. so i hope you get all the help you want/need and remember how awesome you are <3 <3
heyy now! hope things have gotten a little better for you since this post :/ if not, you can always shoot me a message! *hugs*