May, it’s going to be okay.  You can never lose me, remember?

Adam places my hand in his.

You see there’s a little string.  It runs right from my heart, and is wrapped around this little finger.

He traces an invisible line from his chest to my hand, tying an imaginary knot around my pinky.

Now May, this is a very special string.  It knows no distance, and it knows no time.  It cannot be frayed or broken.  As long as you hold onto that little string, you have me.  Just give it a little tug, and I’ll come running. 

I know you want space right now.  Just don’t forget to hold on.

I love you, May.

• I moved into Adam’s fraternity house.  Things with the roommate (which have been mentioned in previous posts) were getting bad.  It escalated from passive aggressive (moving all the communal furniture into his room, slamming doors) to verbal abuse (screaming at me non-stop the moment I entered the apartment, calling me a whore, trying to convince Adam I was cheating) to violent (grabbing my wrist, chasing me when I tried to run).  Living here hasn’t been good, to be honest, but at least I’m safe.  I’m on a lease until August 1st, when I’ll either move in with two girls, or find my own place.
• Adam and I struggled this past semester, and finally agreed to take a break.  He’s convinced we will get back together, and is maintaining contact.  I honestly don’t think he will be ok if we don’t get back together.
• I’m torn between Adam and Josh, who I grew closer to.  Right now I’m not in a committed relationship with either, and I’m not looking forward to making the decision.
• Adam and I realized our relationship started going downhill last summer.  He was unable to really be there for me, to show me affection or be emotionally supportive.  So I looked elsewhere for it – innocently enough.  Then it snowballed – he wouldn’t show me affection because he was convinced I was getting it somewhere else, and I didn’t go to him for affection because he was too bitter to give it.  I’m not proud of it, I’m not happy with it, but I’m glad we’ve finally figured out what went wrong.
• I’m staying in Colorado over the summer.  My internship with a coal company didn’t work out, so I’m not sure what I’ll do once my summer class is over.  Honestly, I’d like to just enjoy the time to visit friends and family, and to figure myself out.
• Adam has been gone the past 10 days for a class, and he’s leaving in the morning to go back to Texas for the rest of the summer.  His family still doesn’t know we are on a break.  Last night when we talked everything through was the best communication we’ve had in a year.  Spending today with him downtown was the most fun we’ve had since November.
• I did fairly well grade-wise, with a 3.03 (for engineering, that’s good, I promise).  I did have to drop one class do to the drama with the roommate.
• I gained some weight and lost a lot of self-confidence.  It’s funny to look back at pictures of me a year ago, when I was caught up in the worst of my eating disorder.  I’m only ten or so pounds heavier now, actually about the same weight I was in high school.  I think my lack of control in the other aspects of my life, especially with Adam, are causing me to focus back on my body.

I don’t know what I want in life, anymore.  I don’t know if I really like me, anymore.  I’m just trying to take it day by day..