I feel it in the air, the summer’s out of reach…
But what a summer…
Adam left, and the floor slid from under my feet. He had been my strength through all of my recovery – he had been there with me, nearly every moment of every day, since the August before. I defined myself through him. He was my motivation, my joy.
He was gone.
I tried to talk to my parents about it – they rolled their eyes and told me to suck it up. My counselor suggested I find new friends in Kansas City. No one seemed to understand that for me, there was no point having so much free time if I couldn’t spend it with him.
So for the fourth summer in a row, I chose to lifeguard. More than that, I chose to make an effort to befriend my coworkers.
Every time I worked the night shift, we ended early to play on the slides. Afterwards would be Chipolte or frozen yogurt. The day or morning shift might end in a shopping spree. I worked 40 hours a week, but despite the humid, 100+ degree Kansas City heat, I loved it.
I all but stopped texting Adam – which he barely noticed. He had always struggled with communication while we were apart. Truthfully, I all but stopped needing him.
This summer gave me a chance to discover who I was outside of a relationship – something I had never done in my entire life. It taught me to make my own plans, rather than stick to the comfort of staying in with Adam.
But…
I met Chris.
And he stood out.
He moved in to fill that void created by Adam.
He was funny, and by that I mean he could keep me on my toes – something no man has ever been able to do. Our banter lasted all day, every day. Working, texting, our evenings together (there were many). He was care free, yet I felt he could take care of me. For once, I wasn’t planning every evening, controlling everything. I could just breathe.
I didn’t cheat on Adam with Chris. Despite our nearly non-existent contact, I remained Adam’s.
For weeks after I returned to Colorado, I still wondered what if…what if I had taken a chance with the rather reckless “bad boy”? What if I had let go of my caregiver for someone who seemed much more of an equal player?
It’s something my old self would have gone for. I would have left Adam in the dust and swung from one vine to the next. I am not proud of it, but that’s been my MO since I started dating at the age of 14. But instead, Adam and I drove together to Colorado…and, together, we worked hard to restore the cracks in our relationship. Because there were many. When we first got to Colorado, all I could think about was Chris. That I didn’t feel that romantic high with Adam like I had with Chris. Everything about Adam unnerved me – I felt somehow above him. I am grateful that has passed – and that Adam was patient with me. He accepted that after months without him, I didn’t know how to incorporate him back into my life and didn’t pressure me or make me feel guilty for it.
But I stuck with it – and so did he. And it’s an on-going process that brings us so much joy. We are closer now, more open now, than before.
Because it wasn’t Adam’s fault that we weren’t equal players – it had been mine. For needing him to take care of me during my recovery, rather than be my romantic partner. Now that I can stand on my own, it’s a whole new experience.
Men aren’t disposable.
I’m glad I finally understand that some things are worth fighting for – not trading in.
^ us on my birthday ^
May
